Growing Pains
Overcoming fears surrounding identity expansion and change
“Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life.”
—Jerzy Gregorek
When I first moved to Boston, academia was my entire identity. I imagined spending the rest of my days discussing research with graduates from Harvard and MIT. What actually ended up happening was that I would drive right past those campuses to my Krav gym in Medford. Without trying, I found my tribe in martial arts, Toastmasters and an eclectic entrepreneur group. The conversations that lit up my days (with academics and non-academics alike) centered around philosophy, spirituality, human connection and service. To my dismay, when I sat in a roomful of people droning on about their pedantic scientific findings for hours, my energy plummeted. The truth was right in front of me, but I refused to accept it.
I clung on to my identity as if it were my whole world. I forced myself to remain squeezed into a tiny box when my insides were screaming to expand into something bigger. The idea of shifting, expanding, changing felt so scary and uncomfortable. I preferred to stick with what I’d always known, even when it became painfully clear that the shoe no longer fit.
The easy choice is to hold on to the familiar. It feels more safe, more comfortable, more predictable. But in the long run, if we ignore that seed growing within us—or worse, try to push it down—we will be at constant war with ourselves and those around us. Resisting change is like trying to swim against the current. You will wear yourself out, and life will keep teaching you the same lesson over and over until you finally learn it.
On the other hand, making the hard choice to expand beyond your existing identity can feel like shit. It can feel overwhelmingly uncertain and daunting. Long ago, the human that stayed safe in the cave survived whereas the human that ventured out into the wilderness got eaten. Every single one of us comes from a long line of survivors, and our brains have evolved to prioritize safety and stability over risk and uncertainty. A coach once taught me—we all have brains that are part Homer Simpson and part Oprah Winfrey. I know from personal experience that this is so incredibly true.
In the past years, the Homer Simpson part of my brain urged me to:
Stick out a toxic corporate job even though it was sucking the life out of me because of the 2-year rule and “a job’s a job” mentality
Remain in my comfortable hometown rather than risk moving to my dream city
Remain in aerospace engineering because I had already committed to this path that I thought would be the rest of my life
Stay nestled in my beautiful gem of an apartment in Boston, where I had—community, friends, a steady paycheck, great roommates, a walk-in closet full of nice clothes and a little reading nook where I could cozy up with my favorite books
The Oprah Winfrey part of my brain is what coached me through:
Walking out of that awful job and never looking back
Choosing risk over regret and giving my dream city a shot
Exploring a career that has been brewing in the back of my mind for years, discovering with each passing day that it’s a much better fit than analyzing single event effects of electronic parts in Excel sheet after Excel sheet
Traveling and living all over the world, meeting incredible humans from all kinds of backgrounds, and finding a global chosen family
Looking back on it all, I am most proud of and satisfied with the decisions I made throughout my 20’s that were in alignment with expansion. Choosing to expand into the unknown rather than squeeze my soul in a box that no longer fit. Each time I dared to crawl a little farther away from my own cave, I would later look in the rear-view mirror and recognize in hindsight how small my world had been.
In today’s modern society, our brains often mistake shadows for monsters. While letting go of a past identity may not look the same as venturing outside of a dark, rocky cave, deep down it can feel just as terrifying. In moments when our world is shifting and reordering, everything feels like darkness and chaos. The closer we get to a life-changing breakthrough, the louder our mental chatter becomes with fears revolving around:
Fear of what people will think
Fear of failure
Fear of the unknown
Fear of being different/falling behind
Fear of losing control
These growing pains can become so unbearable that they keep millions rooted to the couch for the rest of their lives. Courage doesn’t feel good. Staying on that couch with your monthly streaming subscriptions does. In choosing short-term comfort over delayed gratification, we numb ourselves with temporary distractions until our very actionable dreams fade into the stuff of fantasies. Some people may excuse this with fear of dying, to which I would ask—is a life of denial truly living?
This is what I’ve learned—choosing courage is really hard. But the words of Seneca, a Stoic writer, have proven to be true throughout my own journey.
“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”
Our brains are excellent authors when it comes to concocting the worst-case horror story of the unknown future. In psychology, this is a thinking trap called catastrophizing, where our brains exaggerate how bad a situation can be as a way of protecting us from future pain.
How do I know I’m guilty of this? Because in the time leading up to my big trip, my brain assumed that I would end up dead in a ditch. When people hear the words “solo female travel” or “travel in South America,” the word that comes to mind is risk. My heart was pounding out of my chest, and the picture I painted in my mind of my upcoming experiences was gray, rough, and terrifying.
Then I arrived in Barranco. I got some gelato, walked around the colorful plaza with kids rollerskating and local artists playing guitar. And it was like…this is it?
If the story my brain created was a Stephen King novel, the actual reality was something more along the lines of Jodi Picoult's works, but honestly even less intense. The former is horror, and the latter is just people navigating their unique lives. Will there be tough, scary moments in whatever it is that you wish to try? Of course. Will the future match what you imagine as the worst-case scenario? From a pure statistical standpoint— the risk may likely be bigger in your mind than in reality.
When something resonates with your soul in a much more natural way than the things you always chased, there’s no need to be scared. When something doesn’t, there’s no need to berate yourself. Simply cradle this new discovery, allow it space to breathe, and continue to walk forward from a place of curious exploration.
Do not deny your reality because somebody else provided you a formula for how a person should and shouldn’t live. These formulas were created by humans. They can also be deconstructed by humans. Do not be afraid to take a step in the direction of what your true self desires— we cannot predict the destination, but we can walk in the direction that feels right for us. With time, a deepened sense of self-trust and inner-guidance will develop. You don’t need to have it all figured out (because spoiler: none of us do). Just take that first step. Then another, then another.
The peace that comes with living an authentic life is satisfying in a way that I’ve never felt throughout all my years schmoozing at corporate events with a cocktail in my hand and a name tag on my blazer. I can’t really describe it other than to say it’s something you feel in your bones—this is exactly where I am meant to be.
Two things that have really helped me…
Exercise: Fear Setting
The Jerzy Gregorek quote at the beginning of this piece comes from a TED talk by Tim Ferriss, a lesson I’ve revisited each time I’ve found myself on the brink of a big change. In this talk, he teaches an invaluable exercise called Fear Setting (starting at 5:17) in which people define fears rather than define goals. It’s a helpful tool for those who may be struggling with an important decision or a major life change.
Based on applying Stoicism as an operating system for thriving in high-stress environments and making decisions separate from emotional reactivity, Fear Setting has served as an important tool throughout my own journey. The underlying premise is the premeditation of evils—by visualizing worst-case scenarios in detail, you can pinpoint what is preventing you from taking action so that you may overcome analysis paralysis and take that first step.
As he mentions in his presentation, often times the monkey mind can be quite loud and make it hard to think our way through problems. I like this exercise because rather than thinking my way through (which usually gets me into a brain-splitting thinking spiral), it allows me to analyze a situation in a structured and methodical way. Coming from an engineering background, this has really helped me derive order from my own mental chaos. There were many sources of fuel that ultimately got me out of that cushy Boston apartment and into the world. This was one significant source.
Meditation
Accepting Change by Sarah Blondin (Insight Timer app) is a meditation I’ve returned to countless times. Each time my life has felt like a swirling storm of change and uncertainty, this meditation has helped me gain trust in walking toward unpredictable expansion rather than retreating back toward the old and familiar.